Black in Money Recovery

 Black in Money Recovery

One Hundred Years later 

Blacks live on an lonely Island of Poverty

  in the midst of a vast ocean of material Prosperity

modified from Dr. King's I have a Dream Speech

The first thing that I did when I entered program was to start a 90 meetings in 90 days. I had one objective, to breathe during the meeting. I felt as if someone was sucking the air out of the room each time that I heard a share. It was so painful to listen to the experience, strength and hope of other fellows. I knew that I wasn't alone. I could relate to so many of the stories. There was also a sense of sadness because many of the stories, I could not relate. 

None of the stories including anything about racism. There were no stories of being the last hired and the first fired. There were no stories of people expecting you to work harder for less money for the opportunity "to represent your race." There were  stories of everyone assuming that we all shared the same experiences when we were all sure that Black people had a different experience. 

I would listen to people talk about what they deserve and I would hear stories of merchants being willing to accommodate them. There were no stories of micro aggressions. People challenging you about flying first class or asking for your supervisor when you are the CEO. There were no stories of people asking how many years did you go to school to get a Doctorate and asking about your degrees to only exclaim"You are a real doctor! Wow! You must be really proud!"

No one tells White people that they are really articulate or they are so proud of them for "helping their people." No one constantly asks them about their funding or their earnings. No one assumes that they would rather be working with families who don't look like them instead of people who do look like them. 

There was so much of my debting life that I stuffed inside and couldn't share at meetings. It wasn't that I felt unworthy, I was tired of wearing the armor every day and showing up for the battle. This level of stress alone didn't cause me to debt any more than stress can cause me to become an alcoholic. Everyone copes in a different way. I took whatever tools or crumbs that I could get to help me with my debting. It isn't what happens to you, it is how you respond to what happens. I responded by debting and I was trying to learn to stop that response without talking about my full experiences. 

I must have attended a meeting a day for years. There were days when I attended more than one meeting a day. I would sign on to a meeting and simply listen as I completed my tasks and chores for the day. I reached out to my fellows in the program and they reached out to me. I was a frequent speaker on meetings. I worked the tools and the steps. I focused on what I needed to do for me. 

My recovery was slow and arduous. It seemed like other people were getting greater results faster, but I plodded along. I showed up. I got action partners. I co-sponsored. I got action groups. I realized that the more I surrounded myself with program, the less likely I was to return to my dysfunctional ways. I was actually afraid of people who were not in program. Afraid that they would suck me down that deep dark hole again.

I knew that I had done a lot of positive things in the past and then I would self sabotage. I struggled to integrate those things into my recovery program. I used to listen to motivational tapes and I lacked clarity to implement the tools learned in outside programs into my new program. I struggled with letting people in my life who were not in program. Through it all, I persevered and stayed the course.I wanted serenity in my life so desperately, I would do anything to get it. I needed to live a life of sobriety.