Black in Money Recovery

 Black in Money Recovery

I focus on releasing my generational trauma as I reverently embrace my generational power. My ancestors gave me ancestral wisdom and the skills to be great. Darleana M

I remember when I first head of the Money 12 step meetings. I was in the  12 step relationship program. I found myself talking about my frustrations with money management and earning. I seemed to be always giving away my money and time. I resented not having enough of each for me because I had given it away. I was frustrated and tired. I complained all the time. 

Then someone mentioned in their share about recently joining the money program. My heart skipped a beat. There was a 12 step program for people who had dysfunction around money? I needed to be in that room. 

I would like to say that people in the money program welcomed me with open arms but I would be lying. I started in Underearners Anonymous and Debtors Anonymous. I was greeted with suspicion as well indifference. When I went to my first in person meeting of Debtors Anonymous someone snapped at me that they had no free brochures. Their photocopied version was just for viewing. No one really talked to me. In Underearners Anonymous they were more interested in how much I earned and my connections who could advance their career. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was willing to try anything to get me out of my state of despair. If that meant navigating other people issues around race, I was here to stay.

The program offered relief. I saw myself in every symptom. I felt so exposed. I had spent an inordinate amount of energy using smoke and mirrors to disguise my self sabotage. My throat tightened as I shared on phone meetings. I felt the air being sucked out of  the room. I had difficulty breathing when I listened to the experience, strength and hope of others. I wasn't the only crazy person.  I felt a sense of release.

I took one tool from each program. I stopped volunteering my services for anyone else's organization. I started keeping my numbers and looking at my spending. It was a sinking feeling. The phone meetings were my lifeline. I started attending a meeting every day. I felt as if I was going to drown but I also felt a sense of hope. Maybe this was like physical therapy. It hurts like hell but then you start to use your muscles and you get stronger. 

I focused on my program, principles before personalities. I attended step meetings, got action partners, temporary sponsors and diligently worked the steps. I remember action partners telling me that their sponsor thought that I was working too hard. It was suppose to come easily and naturally. None of their sponsors ever had to deal with racism, so I ignored the advice. I forged ahead in unfriendly and indifferent  territory. 

I shared on meetings even when I realized that people would call me later and expect me to engage in underearnng behavior. I got asked to   write grants for other organization instead of my own more times than I care to count. We are all in program to come out of under earning but you reach out to the Black woman for her to work for you for free because she doesn't know her worth. I kept coming back. 

Most people would like to think that they are more comfortable with race and more "woke" than they really know. The truth is that most people are uncomfortable with people who have different experiences. You get those who think that you are being a victim and we are all the same. Then there are those who want to play devil's advocate. Then there are those that say that your experiences with debting, under earning and race are outside issues and are not to be discussed. It makes it more difficult to get recovery but not impossible. 

I partnered with another Black woman as an action partner. I shared  daily experiences which I worked through. I shared my steps.  The Cece's, Michelle's and the Renee's were unexpected  bright lights in the darkness I went through the steps with temporary sponsors, co-sponsors and short term sponsors. I crawled through my childhood trauma around money. I acknowledged my past and I made sure that I took actions every day, no matter how uncomfortable the process became for me.  

I am eternally grateful for Renee. She was my anchor during the worst part of the storm. We didn't gas light or race light each other. We accepted each other's experiences and soldiered on. I had many action partners. I forced myself to talk to total strangers about my Vision, Goals and Actions on a daily basis. My sponsor told me to make 3 outreach calls a day. I would get on meetings at 4:00 or 5:00 A.M. and then I would make the 3 calls before I started my workday at 9:00 A.M. It was the only way that I could force myself to reach out. I didn't know how to ask for help.

It was a rough ride. I was grateful that the meetings were on the phone where race was less of an issue. Race is always an issue. People connect with people who look like them, think like them and share their experiences. My experiences as a Black woman was markedly different from most people in the program. They couldn't relate to most of my story and I couldn't relate to a lot of their stories. So I limited my stories to the 20% that they could relate to and I was silent during the time they shared the 80% of their story that was foreign to me. Underneath it all, I resented the unfairness.  I couldn't bring my whole self to the program and I was holding space for people who couldn't hold space for me. This was the energy around the creation of Black in Debtors Anonymous and Black in Underearners Anonymous and eventually Black in Money Recovery. Energy that moved me forward....