Black in Money Recovery

 Black 

In 

Money 

Recovery

I remember when I first heard that there were  12 step meeting for recovery in areas of money dysfunction. It took my breath away. I had known for 30 years that I sabotaged myself around money issues. I would make absolutely brilliant decisions and they I would become emotionally overwrought and make absolutely stupid choices. 

When I was 17, I left home one day after my high school graduation with $10 and a one way ticket to San Francisco. I got a job within 4 days and my older brother decided on my monthly rent based on my salary. I had to pay rent as soon as I got a job to teach me responsibility. This was the beginning of my fear that I wouldn't be able to pay my living expenses and my feelings of deprivation.  

I loved walking through the mall during my breaks and looking at all the beautiful new things. The Department store that I worked for gave me a credit card. The credit card gave me relief. Even if I didn't earn enough to do anything but cover my expenses I now had a credit card and could purchase those things that seemed out of my reach. It was only a matter of time before I would have more cards and I would feel invincible. This was the start of my cycle of debating, compulsive spending and then deprivation.

During the Christmas season, when school was not in session, I got a second job at the Credit Authorization center. I attended college in the morning studied in the afternoon, worked in the store from 5:30-9:15 and then went to the credit center to work from 9:30 P.M.-12:30 P.M. I needed to relieve my stress by working and my anxiety by spending. I learned what I needed to say and when to get more credit. 

I decided that I needed to learn more so my next job was at a bank. Banks loved to hire students because they worked part-time for no benefits. I worked as a teller and a bookkeeper. I worked mornings 8:45 A.M.-1:30 P.M. I covered the full time staff members lunch and worked just enough hours so that I didn't need a lunch. I attended class in the afternoons. The biggest lesson that I learned in the bank was the length of time that it took for checks to clear. I learned to open several bank accounts at different banks . I would run out of money and during  the last week of the month, I  kited checks for my prudent reserves.

I realized that the system of determining credit worthiness was very unfair to Black people. There was a very clear anti-black sentiment in opening accounts as well in persecuting Black people for theft. White women in the bank who got caught stealing were allowed to make restitution and resign only to get a job at another bank. Black women were persecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I never stole and I always paid back the money from the circumlocution of check kiting. I would write one check at the grocery store and before it hit bank 1, I wrote a check from bank 2. Then  before it hit that bank I wrote another check from bank 3 and by the time, I had my paycheck and could cover the original check. My life was unmanageable. 

I managed apartments at what time. The owner would check credit and required a higher score for Black applicants if he allowed them to view the apartment at all. Black applicants paid more in rent that White applicants. Some White applicants didn't have have  jobs or credit scores when they moved in. I deeply resented the differential treatment on the basis of race which disadvantaged Black people. I was not in an economic position to do anything about it. 

My money addiction and dysfunction started at 17 as a young woman who felt the world was a cruel harsh place where she needed to fend for herself. It continued throughout my adulthood. Getting into debt, getting out of debt, under earning and underbeing because I felt that I needed money.  

I did 3 things well. I started investing in my 20's. I bought my first house before 30. I was always gainfully employed.  I  supported myself with multiple streams of income. I completed my education and became a lifelong learner. Despite majoring in business initially and becoming ordained as a New Thought Minister, I couldn't conquer my addiction and dysfunction around money.

I started 12 step programs as a young mother divorcing an alcoholic with 2 toddlers. I always understood that I didn't need a "qualifier." I qualified as an addict, I just couldn't find my program until I called into the rooms of Underearners Anonymous and Debtors Anonymous. It took 8  years of hard work for me to get this level of sobriety. Now that I have serenity and solvency, I will never go backwards again.